Photo by Josh Applegate on Unsplash
The time it really hit me was at the start of Mass on Maundy Thursday. A wave of emotion seemed to hit me as we sung the Kyrie along with the livestreamed Mass beamed into our sitting room. Tears fell down my face as we sang the Gloria. Not being in church for the Triduum, knowing that I hadn’t been to Confession, not being fed with the Body and Blood of the Lord… it was painful.
And yet, deep pain is accompanied by deep Presence. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted” (Psalm 34:18).
In that moment, I experienced how intimate Jesus wanted to be with us. During the Kyrie, his words in my heart were, “I forgive you”, even though I hadn’t been to Confession. I had a sense of his longing to be deeply present to us, that he did not want us to miss out on his Presence.
Our access to the Eucharist, staggered in its return, will remain limited I imagine over the coming months. And yet, I do not want to miss the gift hidden in this limitation. I don’t want to miss the gift of his Presence as he unfailingly pours himself out upon us.
The verse that had deeply impressed itself on my heart during Holy Week was Jesus’ words,
Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you that kill the prophets and stone those who are sent to you! How often have I longed to gather your children, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings (Matthew 23:17)
Certainly, the experience of ‘church at home’, especially during Holy Week and the Triduum, was of being “gathered” under the Lord’s wings. We were not close to his eucharistic presence, and yet, he wanted to keep us close to him. We took small and humble steps to live the liturgy – we waved branches on Palm Sunday, washed each others’ feet, venerated the crucifix, and lit our own Easter fire in the barbecue. And while we didn’t have access to his sacramental, eucharistic presence, he was very close to us, in new, unexpected ways that changed us as a family.
I’ve been drawing close to his other presences in this time of uncertainty about how we will return to receive him eucharistically. One thing I’m certain of is: Jesus doesn’t limit how much we can receive of him. We do – with our closed, hardened hearts. He longs for us to open our hearts to receive all of him poured out for us.
Here are some of his Presences I’ve been plunging my heart into:
Personal prayer. If you’re baptised, you’re a new creation, a son or daughter of the Father. To say, “I believe” is an act of faith plunging you into God. Through our Baptism and personal faith, the Holy Trinity dwells in us.
Scripture and lectio divina. He always speaks to us through his Word. Every day he is waiting to speak to us!
The Holy Spirit. If you’re baptised and/or confirmed, the Holy Spirit has been poured into your heart. Confirmation never leaves you. The Holy Spirit is with you. At any given moment, we can turn to him and ask him to fill us again.
The Name of Jesus. Jesus’ is the only Name that evokes the Presence of the One it signifies. Speaking his name throughout the day is a way of drawing close to him.
I long for the day I can receive the Lord again, but until then: Lord, let me not miss your Presence.
